So sadly this is my last post for the class, but I hope to continue to write and blog about my views of the family system and unit. After our discussions this last week and Monday I think that after parents become empty nesters, they experience more satisfaction in life. We started of talking about divorce, and the trends associated with people divorcing. Some of those are: custody, cohabiting couples, women are often the ones seeking the divorce, finances, "falling out" of love, communication and perception, and lastly decision making. People don't realize that divorce isn't something that just happens and that people just move on. There are six stations of divorce:
1) emotional 2) legal 3) economic/money 4) co-parental/custody 5) community/division of friends and family and 6) psychic/the mental process of divorce.
Oe outstanding statistic that I was totally surprised at was that 70% of the people that divorce, believe that could have and should have saved their marriage 2 years after the divorce. Don't "Fall in love" but choose to love and give your heart and self to your partner, because it creates a deep passion.  Just remember that you need to go through the lulls and hard times so you can reach the height in the end and enjoy the climax more. One last thing on a more positive note, about your marriage after your children leave home, the love story never ends.
I hope you've enjoyed my blog and opinions, the family is the most important system in our community and it's the one system that is being challenged and torn apart in our society. We must protect it in every way we can. The family is the foundation of our society so don't let it crack and crumble underneath you.

This last week we discussed a lot about parenting. I really enjoyed the lessons and discussions we had because they will be so helpful in the future. But I think that if we approach our children with respect and love instead of anger and frustration when they do something we don't like or that are annoying us that the outcome and effects will be more positive. One thing that I already knew but didn't understand fully was the level of respect that not only our kids should have for us but that we should have for our kids. We want to teach them how to be successful and how to be able to grow up and live in our society by example. Not by someone else telling them how to. They should learn from their parents, and want to learn from them. That's the main role of becoming a parent, to teach them. So, why do so many take it so lightly. In our world today parents are relying more and more on the educational system to teach their children about finances, real life, sex education, and so many other things in life. We as the upcoming generation to parent should take that responsibility for ourselves to nurture and cherish that time we have with our own to show them right from wrong. Parenting is a privilege a blessing and it shouldn't be taken lightly.

After this last weeks readings and assignments I think that stay at home mothers can still learn and grow intellectually while still helping her own children to learn and grow. A woman who chooses to stay home and raise her family can still keep up with things by listening to news broadcasts and by reading. She can listen to uplifting and inspirational music and seminars. Just because you aren't working or going to school doesn't mean your learning just stops. Every person is in charge of how much they want to expand their knowledge and how they want to maintain it. I also realized that a fathers involvement is critical in the upbringing of a child. Fathers parent differently, play differently, build their child's confidence, communicate differently, discipline differently, and most importantly provide a look at the world of men for both their sons and daughters. The family is a sensitive and delicate system that needs that balance between a mother and a father to help nurture their children.

In families, I think that having a clear communication pattern or understanding is one of the most secure ways of creating a stronger family bond. In our everyday interactions, we communicate in many ways. 14% verbal words, 35% tone of voice, and 51% non verbal communications. We must be aware of not just what we say but how we say it. Communication occurs all the time. It requires an exchange of shared messages, and feed back in order to be certain of exchanged meaning of the conversation. Three types of corrupt communication in the family are blame, sarcasm, and lying. All three forms happen in one way of another and we need to learn how to control them and limit the use of them to better enhance out families communication and limit conflict. But conflict isn't always a bad thing. Conflict creates a better option and forces the issues into the open. It helps the family identify and solve the issues at hand. We need to be "transparent" in our communication in marriage. Meaning that we need to be clear about our desires and intentions through out marriage. We also need to focus on "pain with out blame", in other words, compassion. We shouldn't be looking to blame out spouse but to work things out.

I think that if a family goes through a crisis, they can always learn from it and grow. In class this week we discussed a lot of different crisis's that the family system could potentially go through. For example: death, infidelity, divorce, or illness. Every family structure is different and handles issues in different ways. Some better than other. But one thing I have learned growing up is that you can always take something good out of a situation. My Father has Crohn's Disease along with other health problems, and growing up, having him in and out of hospitals was the normal thing to me. I learned how to deal with sadness and stress from situations when he would get really sick. My role somewhat changed within my family. I had to step up at a young age to help take care of our house and my younger sisters because my mom had to be with my dad and she needed help. But as my family has grown and over the years my fathers illness has essentially brought my family closer together. We spend more time with one another, we talk more about our feelings, and we have all learned how to help and serve more often. In class we were taught a model called the "ABC Model- A+B+C=X" A stands for actual event, B for both resources and responses, and C for cognitions, and A B and C all add up to the total eXperience. When a family goes through an ordeal they follow these steps. The actual event takes place, then they respond to the situation, then they go through a thought process to deal with the situation, and all that leads to their total experience of the ordeal. We can choose to look on the bright side even in the darkest of times.

Our discussions this week have been very influential. We talked about not just the sacredness but the importance of sexual intimacy when married. One of thing I want to stress is that pre-marital sex can have a devastating effect on a marriage. Many people who have had pre-marital sex later on have said they regret it and wish they hadn't. Sexual intimacy isn't just about creating a family and it isn't just an activity to participate in. It gives a couple an opportunity to learn to work together, learn consideration for each other, and to feel loved and supported by their spouse. Infidelity is a huge problem in the world around us. Infidelity isn't just when you have a sexual relation with someone other than your spouse, it's also when you have thoughts and feelings for others, it occurs if you view pornography, when you are dishonest, when you create unrealistic expectations for your spouse, and when you put other things before your marriage and spouse. High fidelity creates a sense of truth, loyalty, purity, and it doesn't leave you feeling vulnerable and desperate for perfection. And when you feel vulnerable and desperate for perfection is when you are most likely to be unfaithful. Marriage is more important than money, items, or your hobbies. And being faithful helps you to protect your marriage and spouse, and not just yourself.

One thing that has really stuck out to me this week is that so many people think that having a child will end their marriage problems, but in reality, it can make them worse. When you have a child life becomes stressful and hard, but you also enjoy your little bundle of joy. But the experience and the changes that occur in your marriage from having a child can decrease your satisfaction of your marriage. On the other hand, the whole process of the pregnancy, delivery and afterwords should bring you together. YOu should openly talk about your feelings and emotions. Mothers, involve your husbands in your pregnancy. Have him come to your appointments, read pregnancy and parenting books together, have him feel the kicks of the baby and make him feel like he is apart of the experience, and not that he is just helping you through it. Fathers, you can be interested, show your wife you want to be there for her, ask questions about her experience, and have a genuine desire to be apart of the experience. You can choose to come together or push apart. You make the decision, and see how it plays out.

This week was all about marriage and dating relationships. One of our discussions really hit me hard in a sense that I realized how many aspects there are to love. There are 4 kinds of love:

Agape: a not feeling based and intentional love for someone

Storge (store-gay): is the parent to child love 

Eros: is romantic/sexual/passionate love

Phillia: is a close, friendly, brotherly love

I realized that in a sense you need all four of these in your relationship with your spouse when you marry. You have to care for them as a human being, you have to want to help them in times of need, you need that physical attraction, and you need to be close friends where you communicate everything and have a deep trust. 

            Another thing is that dating has changed So much! Dating used to be that you wanted to get to know someone better, not be boyfriend/girlfriend. In today’s world, if you go on a date you are attracted to someone and are expecting a relationship. But that's not it at all. We should date for fun, date a variety of people, it’s a time for you to grow and learn yourself. Then courtship, yeah it sounds old school but it’s an important part in the road to marriage. "Courting" or exclusively dating is a "trial" or a time for you to see if there is a potential for marriage. Engagement comes next. During your engagement, it’s a time for you and your fiancé to prepare for the wedding and for your marriage. The two are often seen as the same but are in reality very different. You have a wedding where everyone celebrates, but your marriage is between you and your spouse and God. During to process you learn together, different from dating where you learn for yourself. Together you learn to work together as a couple, how to communicate, how to problem solve, and how to make decisions together. In todays world people go from dating to cohabitating to sometimes getting married and then most divorce. Cohabitation is not a good idea. People rationalize that you get to know someone better that way, but in reality, studies have shown that people who cohabitate are more likely to divorce or separate. Marriage is a huge decision, that shouldn't be made carelessly. But you should make the decision based on if you love, care, and want to not only based on attraction and if you like living with them. 

This weeks discussion was quite controversial. We discussed homosexuality and gender roles. Some of the things that really stuck out to me during our discussions were that there have been so many studies done in association to homosexuality and the family, and just homosexuality lives in general. But there are people out there that think the studies shouldn't be done and shouldn't exist because they want people to think and accept that homosexuals were just "born that way". But that's not it at all. Some girls are more masculine, and they are considered "Tom Boys", and some boys are more feminine, but people automatically categorize them as a homosexual. Why do we judge men that are more feminine but not women? Think about it. How many times do we see more feminine men and think, they must be gay? But when we see a masculine girl, we don't think that first. We shouldn't be deciding and telling those men that they are gay or homosexual. Just like "Tom Boys" there are men that are straight but have feminine personality traits. If those men are told over and over that they are gay, then eventually they may believe it. And one statement that my instructor mentioned was that "for every gay couple there are two women in the world that will never experience motherhood or marriage." So if there are men out there that are feminine or are struggling with same sex attraction but don't want it, we should help them and not judge them because of the way they talk, walk, act, or look. Everyone is different and that's how Heavenly Father intended it to be.

This week we focused a lot on culture in the family. These two questions were brought to our attention:

Are all cultures equal in terms of being right and wrong, good and bad? 

Do we have the right to proclaim one set of values to be better than another?

I think every culture has things to add to the world around it. Each culture has a long heritage that goes back, some longer than others. In our society today many people have neglected their culture or haven’t thought much about their background. So when we talk about culture being valuable and valid, in some ways they aren’t because people don’t see them as significant. But there are some people that consider their culture their life. And for them, it is one of the most valuable and valid things.

                  I don’t think we have the right to proclaim one set of values to be better than another. In our ever-changing world, each individual has their own opinion of their values. Everyone was brought up differently and has been taught different ideas of values. For example, Mormons have their own belief system of not cohabiting before marriage, and the word of wisdom, and our dress standards. But, Hindu people have the belief that all animals with a split hoof are sacred, so they don’t eat those animal meats. Each culture and religion or even lifestyles have different values. And we are in no place to proclaim that some are better than others. We can express our opinion all we want, and we can share our opinions with others, but it’s not our right to tell someone that ours is better than theirs. We all have different backgrounds and we have all been brought up differently.

What is your opinion on the matter?

                  

So I've really thought a lot about what we studied and discussed this week in class. One of the main points that I'd like to get your opinion on is, if there is a family issue or communication problem going on in the family, is bringing in a third party, for example going to a family therapist necessary? In my opinion, the family should try to work together to solve the issue at hand, and if they just can't seem to work things out then a third party is the best choice. Sometimes you need that third person to point out the bigger picture because we get so caught up in the little things in life, that sometimes we fight over the most ridiculous things. Solving the problem may take time, but it can really help to have a third person there, even if it's just to act as a mediator.

Hey again! So this week we really started to dive into the lessons. I learned a lot about how you really have to be picky with the research you read and decide to believe because there are so many faults. Now, don't get me wrong, there are a lot of great reliable studies done, but there are also so many out there that shouldn't have been published. In a good number of the studies we looked at and discussed we realized that they either lacked a control group, they didn't really even study the group they said they were, or they were biased. For example, studies have been done to try and determine the divorce rate in the U.S., but in a lot of studies they leave out factors that could really alter the final outcome. We discussed how some just look at the number of marriages in a year and the number of divorces in a year and decide from that. But it is so much more complicated than that. They don't take into consideration that a number of the people married that year could still be together, and that the divorces that happened could have been from marriages from a number of years ago.  Now I know what to look at to decide for myself if the research I read is reliable. You should try checking the facts next time and see what you find :)

Hi! My name is Anna Moody, I'm from St. Augustine Florida but I'm currently attending Brigham Young University Idaho in Rexburg Idaho :) I come from a family of of 5 girls and I'm one of the oldest with my twin sister who is attending Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah. I'm taking a Family Relations class and we've been asked to create this blog to share what we learn and our views on what we discuss. I've never blogged before so we'll see how this goes :) But I hope you enjoy and are edified by what I post, and feel free to comment :)